Posted by TeeZee at 5:43 PM
If you're reading this, it means my diligent attempts to make contact have succeeded, thanks to the sacrifice and dedication of our brothers in urban agriculture. It has been ages since my loyal followers have heard from me, and for that I apologize. For now, all I can tell you is that there are elements of power and oppression within our own government that wish to silence me... and my crops.
As I write this from the confines of my cell - huddled, cold, quivering and immersed in total darkness - I maintain my sanity with meditation, introspection, and sketching my surroundings. Corn willing, these drawings will have survived the same journey as this letter.
This is all I can write for now, my captors are returning from down the hall. My hope is that my brothers will soon be releasing "the lost chronicles" that were thought to be destroyed during the raid. Until my freedom is restored, grow strong and sturdy my friends!
Posted by TeeZee at 2:57 PM
Why yes, that IS an ear in my pocket.
Soooo, they said it couldn't be done. THEY said: "What kind of idiot thinks he can grow corn in a pot on a deck in Chicago during the coldest effing summer on record amidst a global warming crisis while the Cubs blow another promising season down the drain???" Well my friends, damn the squirrels, damn the weather, damn the locust and tainted soil and crappy seed and mocking neighbors, I PRESENT TO YOU THE FRUIT OF MY TURMOIL!
Oh, and I'm not damning the Cubs quite yet because all we really need is a 10-12 game winning streak during this upcoming homestand and we're right back in the race!... (sighhhhh).
Anyway, the baby corn shower will be scheduled in a few weeks, we're registered at Gurney's Seed and Nursery or you can make a donation to GAAVAV (Global Alliance Against Violence Against Vegetation).
The mourning party is over people, it's tassle time on The Deck of Dreams which means one thing - I've gotta hire a crew of illegal day laborers to detassle the fields or else all my precise genetic engineering will be wasted the minute one little renegade pollen spore contaminates the whole crop. I'm paying $3.35 an hour which I thing is damn generous in this economy. Transportation will be arranged, just be at the north end of the Pamida parking lot at 4:30 a.m. sharp tomorrow and I'll slow down the flatbed just enough for the fastest of you to hop on. Make sure to bring your own beer and smokes, cuz it's gonna be a hell of a long day up there in the blazing sun.
Check out TRZ's fabulous eagle-eye footage of the much anticipated Corn#2 Memorial Service. Only close family and friends were allowed to this "private" affair, but TRZ was THERE to capture all the juicy sorrowful emotions and solemn proceedings usually not intended for the purpose of shameless public entertainment. A sad heartfelt eulogy was painfully recited by the youngest sibling of #2, "Candy", who's dramatic soliloquy brought tears to the audience, many of whom were among this week's Hollywood elite. What a cutie! Meanwhile, more rumors abound that the killing could have been drug related, as a corn-cob pipe was found near the scene.
Be sure to visit our web site where you can buy all kinds of great "Mourn the Corn" swag like Mugs, Tshirts, Pens, Balloons, and Cereal - makes a great gift for every holiday!
Posted by TeeZee at 5:11 PM
At a late afternoon press conference addressing the still unsolved murder of a local corn plant, Chicago police chief Tony Kellog presented a newly released digitally enhanced image extracted from a nearby security camera that he hopes will help bring the perpetrator-at-large to justice. "We urge the public to take a close look at this photograph, and to please call authorities if they have any information pertaining to the identity of the subject circled at the top right corner." said Kellog. "Let me be very clear... currently he (or she) is NOT considered a suspect, but may be a witness to the crime. No arrest warrants have been issued, all we want to do is bring him in for questioning."
When asked if this was the only evidence collected at the crime scene, Kellog stated "The lab is still processing other evidence at this time, however we will not discuss anything that may jeopardize this case."
Meanwhile, a spokesperson from the local G.A.S.P. (Georgians Against Species Profiling) chapter declared that "This is yet another example of law enforcement rushing to judgment. Why not question the racoons, or the possums, or the neighbor's cat?" When asked to comment on the GASP accusations, chief Kellog said "All I can say is every officer in our department has received intensive species sensitivity training, and I assure you we only pursue leads based on our objective interpretation of the evidence."
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It's with a heavy heart that I bring you sad news today. After weeks of suffering the anguish of false hope, I regret to announce that Corn #2's struggle for survival is over. Cut down by some unknown assailant in the prime of life, C2 will always be in our memories as a friend, companion, colleague, and vegetable. Corn #2 is survived by his two siblings, Corn #1 and Corn #3. Services will be held privately for immediate family and close friends only, and the creamated remains will be scattered across Nebraska.
And yes, I will find his killer and I will have my revenge...